cYniCaLme

Love StiNks…I’m mEssed uP..

WaAaH!! Love stiNks becauSe..it really dOes..whEn it is related to people like myself. I am the type of person who makes everybody beliEve that I so want to be alone when the truth is…deep inside…I don’t. Who would want to be?..no man is an island right? But why is it to hard for me to accept other people’s feelings for me?

I want them away…far from me as much as possible. I don’t want anybody near my heart…of course except my few friends and family. I don’t want attachments (though I still have them) , I don’t want commitments, I don’t want anything that could possibly cause me much more pain..more than I am feeling right now. Nobody will ever understand the suffering that I brought upon myself for the sake of my family and my priorities in life..

No matter how hollow and unemotional I seem to be…no matter how I say that I don’t want and I can’t fall in love…the truth is I still am…to a person I cannot speak of anymore..for it causes me pain that I can endure no more.

I changed a lot..from what I used to be…for reasons few people could comprehend.. the thing is..i don’t want to go back to my old self…liked by everybody and pleases everyone. This is the new me…with a soul-stricken barrier and beneath is a rotten flower in never ending pain.

This is probably one of the hardest decisions i had to make…a dilemma that needs immediate resolution..will i give up my love for singing because i got tired of someone treating me like..whew.. I feel like hell, like the world is on my shoulders, i don’t want to carry this burden anymore but, i couldn’t decide!!!!!!

I spent two years being a member of this organization and i treated it as a way to relieve me from my daily stresses in life. I finally got something to put my attention into, something that i "thought" i was worthy to do. It became a part of me. And after two years of music and sacrifice, it finally hit me. I didn’t belong. Why am i still there? Why did i kept on forcing myself into that place? Darn it. Right now, i feel so stupid. Pinagpalit ko banda ko sa choir, naiiwanan ko mga kaibigan ko para sa choir…I used to think that it was all worth it; all my efforts are worth it. Music is a part of my life and i would never ever let it go in just a snap. Maybe I spoke too soon. I thought I was in the right place, i thought i was finally somewhere that I was treated right, i felt like i existed.. i used to have so much fun…used to…I don’t want to leave because for me, it is one commitment that i shouldn’t give up..

But right now, that "commitment" is the only thing that keeps me from going…finally.

I don’t want you people to think that I’m so full of myself but, this is the best way that i could possibly explain or express myself.

I know that I did welcome you with friendship…then, i suddenly stopped communicating with you. I don’t know where to start…maybe because human nature is the most hardest thing to explain in this world. I’ve been so unpredictable, i always sounded like i was glad… Let’s stop beating behind the bush, you showed me that you had a different intention and you want something more than friendship. I’m so sorry, that’s the reason why i stopped talking to you guys. I’m sorry, it’s been a long time since i had a relationship and i can very well say that this is not the type of friendship that i want. I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself away from it, for reasons that maybe no other person could ever comprehend.

The reason that i welcomed you into my life was because i thought one of you could change my not wanting something more than friendship..maybe i spoke too soon because, i can’t stand the thought of it…of being back there again. So, if you want something more than what i know is the only thing i can give you. The word farewell and thank you is always there..

Sorry…

YEah…it’s true. I’m so cynical about love these days…. I mean, i’m trying to change the appetite but i guess i couldn’t possibly…so uhmm…sa mga tao who keeps on trying…uhm..i’m sorry..i can’t..i really can’t accept it…